Seasons In Exile

The writings of a man reinventing himself out of necessity...

Monday, April 11, 2005

Stir Crazy

I don't get it.

I mean, I really don't get it.

Why am I still here? Why am I still around? I should have gone into exile months ago. But I haven't. Even though what is happening to me is the worst thing most people can conceive (and given the worse things one can be involved with, that shows just how screwed up people's priorities are), I'm still here.

The wait is killing me. I just want to get this over with and get on with my life, or what's left of it. But no, I get to sit here, unable to do much of anything at all, just simply killing time until my fate is dealt to me.

I can't work. I can't party. I can't do alot of the things I used to do in my previous life. And it sucks.

People turn away. Those who hated me now hate me even more. Friends have either drifted away or have outright turned against me. Only a few remain, and these few will be gone soon, too, since I have to let go and say goodbye to the life I'm leading now.

Do I need therapy? No. I already know where my mind stands. Do I need a sympathetic ear? No, and I highly doubt there are any out there, anyway. Do I need an escape? Yes, but that's not really possible, as it would put me further in the hole that I'm in right now, anyway.

This sucks. I'm stuck here, wasting away, my life on hold while the powers-that-be take their lovely time in dishing out my destiny.

I wish they'd just get it over with...

Sunday, January 30, 2005

Alive and Breathing

Well, I'm still here, long after I thought I'd be gone...

Hope everyone (all 0 of you) have had a good New Year.

Just wanted to post saying I'm still around, for now.

Things might be looking up, but I'm not sure.

A move is deffinately planned, I'll be relocating to Fort Lauderdale, FL after my crisis is over. And then, I can finally start over...

More soon, I promise.

Wednesday, December 29, 2004

I Am Awake

Well, in an hour, the road will begin. I'll take my first steps onto a dark path that will, hopefully, lead me into the light.

I'm nervous.

My mind is racing with cause and effect, action and reaction, choice and consequence.

Everything I love will be taken away from me.

But my life will continue.

I will carry forward.

It's time to start the goodbye process. It's time to start suturing old wounds.

And it's about damned time that Karma came back around...

Tuesday, December 28, 2004

Dagor Dagorath

The board is set... The pieces are moving...

The life transition has begun. Leaving who I was and becoming Jon, the hopefully-happy guy with a clean slate, has started, and I honestly couldn't be more relieved. But the battle is just begining, and in order to come out of this on top, I'm going to have to play some very personal cards.

The hardest thing in these types of situations is the fact that you have to leave behind everything you've ever known, no look-backs.

In my case, though, this isn't the hardest thing. Given my social status among my old haunts, I have no qualms about turning my back on them. They had done nothing but make my life miserable for reasons unknown to me to this day. Thanks to thier ignorance, my decision has been made a little easier.

And given my birth history (unknown biological parents), it's also a bit easier to seperate myself from the very family that has given me my life. Heartless, you say? Not entirely. While I will miss them when I go, I will never forget them, and in fact will forever remain in their debt. But what has to be done, has to be done.

I am now in the business of self-preservation. And let me tell you, it's an ugly business...

Wednesday, December 22, 2004

Getting To Know You

Well, since we're just starting out here, I might as well give you all some insight as to just who Jonathan R. Leary is, just in case any of you give a rat's behind...

My name is Jonathan Rodderick Leary, but that is not my birth name. Most who know me call me J.R., and constantly ask who shot me. Ha ha ha. For the record, Dallas was a lame show...

Once upon a time, in my former life, I was able to list many different occupations to my credit. Those included Pizza Delivery Guy (three times), Disc Jockey (twice), College Teacher (twice), Volunteer Firefighter, Movie Theater Projectionist, Bartender, Custodian, Web Site Intern, Graphic Artist, Producer, Audio Engineer, Grip, Set Decorator, and many, many other miscelanious jobs.

My musical tastes are pretty standard, with some exceptions. I'm a fan of "beyond the mainstream" artists such as KMFDM, and I have a passionate hatred for Country Music. Why? Well, Country Music likes to make itself out to be "Family Friendly." How can music, with songs glorifying heavy drinking, murder, infidelity and general disregard for the English Language (Vittles?!?) be "Family Friendly?" If and when I have children, hopefully they will never hear the complete crap that is Country Music...

I'm a people person, but only as long as people can be individuals, not cop-outs, trend-followers or hipsters. Example: "Wiggers." That comes from "white n***er," and are, in my mind, the lowest form of idiot on the planet. In my experience, 90% of black people I know or have met simply do not act the way Hip-Hop Culture says they do. They speak like me, normally, and without the use of slang terms like "Phat," "Boo," or "Bling-Bling." To me, those just represent ignorance, and send "Wiggers" to the bottom of the Idiot Pile.

That being said, I'm not a racist, a biggot, or anything of the sort. I believe that we're all human beings, not different races. I just think that white people emulating Hip-Hop Culture look like morons.

At heart, I'm a hopeless romantic, and believe in Love above all things. In my travels, I've always been on the lookout for "Ms. Right," and am sure she exists, but I have no clue who or where she is. Then again, part of the fun of life is the Journey as opposed to just the Destination. And the Journey to finding out who my true love is, well, that's the one journey I enjoy the most. Because I know that, at the end, I'll be the happiest man on the planet.

By trade, I'm an entertainer, specifically a Rock and Roller. I love all forms of Rock (except Christian Rock), and have been part of bands in the past. Granted, they never got out of the garage, but I enjoy making music, and will continue to do so until I draw my last breath.

And since I said I don't like Christian Rock, it should be said that I'm an Atheist. I believe in Freedom From Religion, and feel that Religion itself "is a sham and a crutch for weak minded people" (Jesse Ventura, former Governer of Wisconsin). I was raised Lutheran, but from an early age, began to find holes in the belief systems my parents tried to get me to follow. My parents told me that, when I was a confirmed member of the church (Confirmation is the Christian equivalent of the Jewis Barmitzfah), I could make my own decision about Church. Well, on the day I was confirmed, I turned to the congregation, said "By the way, I'm an Atheist," gave them all the finger, and walked out the doors before anyone could react. That pretty much sums up my opinions on God, don't you think?

While I am Atheist, I don't believe in forcing my beliefs on others (like alot of Christians do, Pat Robertson), and don't make the noise that the news media portrays Atheists to make all the time. I'd rather just be left alone.

I'm also quite the nerd. My head is full of a bunch of both useful and useless trivia, since I have this habit of remembering nearly everything I read. And yes, while I'm on the subject, I LOVE to read. Books have always been a big part of my life, and it came full circle when I had a hand in teaching my best friend's oldest son to read. Now, he's addicted to books. I couldn't be more proud. To give the gift of the joy of reading is the penultimate for me...

As a side hobby, I enjoy writing. I find that I have alot of stories in my head that I'd like to share with people, and since I'm not a very gifted speaker (my mouth has gotten me in trouble on MANY occasions), I chose the written word. I started writing in my 8th grade year of High School (I went to a small school with no Junior High, just K-6/7-12), and haven't really looked back. My only problem there is I have a nasty habit of not finishing what I start when it comes to writing. I'm prone to long periods of writer's block, and often get stuck trying to come up with synonyms since I don't use a thesaurus. I should probably refine that process a bit, eh?

I'm noticing that this entry is getting rather long-winded, so I'll end it here, and will reveal more about just who this J.R. Leary weirdo really is in future posts. But for now, I'll leave you all to wonder... For the whole 2 seconds it takes to hit the close button on your browser and move on to the next web site, anyway...

Friday, December 17, 2004

Welcome To Wherever You Are

If you care to know, welcome to my world.

My name is Jonathan Leary, and I'm a man who's trying to escape a horrid past plagued with bad decisions, horrid mistakes, and more than my fair share of moments where common sense simply eludes me. But alas, I'm human, and I'm doomed to little personal coups like that, just like everyone else.

The nice thing about being human, though, is that we have the capability to learn from these mistakes and carry forward, fixing what little of the future we can based on the failures of the past. Not the most enjoyable way to tolerate an existance, I'm sure. But hey, that's just another part of the joy of being human...

By trade, I am an author, but an author of what, I do not know. In my past life, I honed my skilles writing stories based on ideas already existing, conceived originally by someone else. Now, though, I feel as if I'm ready to unleash my own creativity onto the world. Have I been published? Yes and no, as it happened in the past in my former life. Can you find my past work? Probably, but unless you're familiar with my style (which none of you are yet), then you probably wouldn't know it was mine to begin with.

As for my title, Seasons In Exile, I chose it because that is where I am. I have no real home anymore, as I have exiled myself from my homeland for very personal reasons. While I may speak of memories from that time here, I will not divulge any great details about my former life. To know that part of me is to know emotional and physical pain far beyond the norm, and it wouldn't be fair to all of you.

This is not to say that I am a morbid character. Heavens no. Despite all that has happened to me, I have managed to retain my sense of humor and generally cheerful disposition. A lot of people define life as a "roller coaster" filled with ups and downs. Those who chose to end their lives don't see the fact that, with downs, there must come ups. Let's call that Leary's Law of Life #1. Despite the downs I have experienced, especially in the past decade, there has to be at least some sort of up, no matter how small or insignificant it may seem to others. It's that potential up that keeps me happy-go-lucky, as it were.

So, off we go then, right? Right...